Happy Birthday in Heaven, Mama.
estimated reading time: 11 mins
*cue music: Photograph by Ed Sheeran*
When Mama passed away, I shared the sad experience so many times,
it became my central story. The girl that lost her mother.
When I realized that, I stopped talking about it. I also stopped making special observances on her death anniversary. I convinced myself to stop dwelling on that one upsetting moment of loss.
I can talk about her living moments instead; when she smiled, loved and poured her heart out; let her beautiful character come through. With reverence, Mama’s life can be remembered by how loving, intelligent, sweet, strong-willed and courageous she was. I choose to celebrate her more through All Souls Day, her birthday and wedding anniversary with Papa.
Surely, I have more stories to share.
stories of her love
#1 mama and her little adventurer
I was in first grade and while at school I had a fever and red spots all over my body. My teacher believed that this could be chicken pox or measles. She had the school nurse see me and reported this to the principal as well. When they said that I have to go home, I told them I can go home by myself, acting like an adult. The school principal hesitated and asked me if I was sure. Feeling proud, I said yes. My school was two rides away from home and the commute was about 20 minutes. When Mama saw me back home, she was enraged. When we bolted back to school the next morning, she was furious. I didn’t understand why until she said loudly to the principal, “kung nadukot o nawala ang anak ko, mapapalitan mo ba!!!” (“If my child was kidnapped or went missing, can you even replace her!!!”) I felt bad for the principal and I felt sorry for making my mother worry that much. I remember the principal’s name and face up to this day.
#2 our very own st. kolbe
One time I was sick. I was so weak, I held my tummy and sat on the side of the road because I can't stand any longer. We were waiting for a ride on our way to the doctor. Mama teared up and muttered the words quietly, "Sana ako na lang ang nagkasakit. Kahit ako na lang.” (“I wish I was the one who got sick. Let it be me.") I didn't know how generous that means. Now that I am mostly on my own, this recollection of her selfless desire to take on my suffering has become a comforting memory. I am deeply loved. Sometimes I wonder ~ if she had the illness only because she has been selflessly offering herself to take our place and spare us from any form of suffering like this.
#3 mama as my first best friend
On one occasion my aunts and cousins were set to go to a big amusement park, I think it was Enchanted Kingdom. All of us kids were gushing about it only to later realize that I am not coming with them. Kids being kids, my cousins started teasing me, “ah hindi kasama!” (“oh, you’re not included!” or “it looks like you didn’t make the cut!” in a playful way of indicating that someone is left out) and I got really envious about it and cried. I cried so hard looking at the window while my cousins made faces and walked away. When they left, Mama wiped my tears while holding my cheeks. I remember her crying too while dressing me up. She then brought me to a family theme park - Fiesta Carnival in Cubao. At present, when I think about that moment, that she cried for me and did her best to console me, all I can think about is how much she loved me. (Subplot: My cousins and I saw each other the next day and I told them we went to Fiesta Carnival and sadly they were not part of it. Haha! As if any of that made me cooler. Anyway, we are all good and love each other as grown up adults.) (PS. Fiesta Carnival is reopening this year!)
#4 mama deserves a mango popsicle
Mama asked me to buy popsicles from the nearby convenient store and she specifically asked for a Mango flavored one (her favorite). I brought the wrong flavor back home. Naturally I have to go back and correct the mistake. When the vendor reached for it, he said he cannot replace it because the popsicle has already been bitten. I am not sure how that happened but I just went home and told Mama, “may kagat na daw po.” (“apparently, it already has a bite on it.”) My mother was annoyed. She never liked lying and being lied to. She went to the store with me and the next thing I knew, the vendor was threatening her. But instead of yielding, she pressed on further and challenged the vendor even more to step outside of his store and face her. I forgot how that situation ended but I remember the vendor hid behind the walls and was scared of my mother. "Babarilin mo ko? O sige halika dito! Para makita ng lahat ng tao!" (So you will shoot me? Alright, come here! Let everyone see!") Hahaha! Oh my Lord, she really is something. She never backs down when she knows she is right. Growing up she always encourage me to speak up and never hesitate when standing up for my right.
#5 safe love
We have two bedrooms in our house but only one room has air conditioning installed on it. Every night my brother and I lays out a futon mattress on the floor until we eventually grew up doing that; sleeping with our parents in one room. In the morning I always wake up to Mama and Papa talking or laughing about everything while still in bed. This is my first image of safe love.
#6 mama, our first fan
During one of her treatments, Mama’s nurse turned to me and said, “Ikaw yung kumakanta, ‘di ba?” (“You're the singer right?”) I was confused where she based this claim, until she said that Mama has been playing me and my brother’s duet recordings from her phone, for the nurses to hear, when we're not around. She said that my mother was very proud of us. I was surprised, shy and deeply moved by that (thank you Mama.) I recalled that I had phone-recorded songs that my mother probably sent to her phone by bluetooth. I didn’t ask her how and why she did it though. But shortly afterwards, it became a normal occurrence at home to hear her sing along and play all our cover songs on her phone like listening to the radio. One of the songs I recorded was If I Die Young by The Band Perry. I just recorded it out of love for its melody and with no deep reason. When she first heard it she skipped it and said she didn’t like it. I understood that it could be scary singing a song like that. After a few days I heard her singing that song in the shower. She must have really loved me to forget her fear and dislike.
#7 loving with her best
Our rooms are just next to each other and we keep the doors open so Mama can call for help whenever. One time I had a fever so I stayed in my room to not infect her with whatever virus that I have. I feel so cold, sleepy and tired. Mama called out multiple times to check on me from the other room, “Jane, okay ka lang ba diyan?” (“Jane, are you alright?”). To that I always answered, “Ma, okay lang ako / Opo ma, pahinga lang ako.” (“Ma, I’m okay / Yes Ma, I just need rest.”) At that point, Mama was almost bed-ridden. She had pain from every movement. She could still move herself in the bed but she couldn't sit or stand up without any help. She’s been battling the pain for years and there I was, easily perished. In my mind I knew I should be the one asking the question. Mama's love knows no bounds.
stories of my love
#8 I hope I made her feel loved
I’m glad I did those phone calls. I really hope I made her feel loved.
#9 I hope I made her feel special
When I see coins hanging around the house or whenever I was asked to buy from a nearby store, I always keep them. I put them in my own version of a piggy bank – a small cube cardboard box that can be easily tampered and is nowhere shaped like a pig. This way I can buy candies without having to really ask Mama for money. On one of her birthdays I went to the school supply store just across our house. I bought a small gold coin purse designed with a plastic gold flower in the middle for maybe 20 pesos ($0.30). I was rich. Hahaha! I gave it to her as a birthday gift. That store remains operational up to this day. (PS. I know I shouldn’t be proud of my stealing but, haha! I believe Mama knew.)
I’m glad that my mindless younger self even thought of gifting.
I hope I made her feel special (albeit using her own money).
#10 I hope I made her feel important
Mama and Papa have been desperately looking for a kidney donor. They have been asking people, closest relatives and even enlisted Mama on a kidney donation list from the national institute. Given that we, the patient’s family will have to find a way to pay for everything from crossmatching, diagnostics, medicine, maintenance or whatever the donor might need. One of the closest people she asked for help responded with something like, “Bakit hindi si Jane? / Eh si Jane ba?” (“Why not Jane? / How about Jane?”) Mama knew that what she asked for was ambitious but she just wanted to try asking from her closest people. She was hurt and saddened by the remarks because I was young and she felt helpless. I am sure I heard Mama say that if something happens to any of us, she will not be able to bear it. One day I spoke about the idea of giving my other kidney to her. She asked, “Hindi ka ba natatakot?” (“Aren’t you afraid?”). I said “Hindi, Mama.” (“No, Mama.”) In the attempt of making her feel less alone. I saw her breathe deeply. I hope it was a sigh of relief.
I hope in that moment, I made her feel important to me.
final thoughts
I am not sad everyday, but I think grief varies and it will not totally go away.
Remember a loved one today and appreciate every living moment.
